How are you in relationships?
I know, that might sound like an odd question — but really, how we show up in our relationships says a lot about how we’re showing up in our relationship with the Divine.
Ernest Holmes once said, “Everything we see—plants, animals, humans, every visible thing—is a manifestation of God, differing only in degree. And every manifestation contains, in essence, the whole, just as one drop of ocean water holds the same essence as the entire sea.”
If I believe that’s true — and I do — then everything and everyone I’m in relationship with (including myself) is the Divine in form.
Two Lenses, Two Lives
I tend to see my life through two lenses.
The first lens is from the time when I didn’t know I was connected to anything greater — the years filled with pain, emotional and physical abuse, and a lot of numbing through alcohol and drugs.
The second lens began when I discovered The Science of Mind teachings through Religious Science (now Centers for Spiritual Living). That’s when I found sobriety and started to actually feel my connection with everything around me.
Before that awakening, my relationships — with others and with myself — were rooted in self-doubt, fear, dislike (sometimes even hatred), and a deep sense of not belonging. I didn’t like myself, so I attracted partners who reinforced that image. I didn’t respect myself, so I didn’t get much respect in return. And when I finally walked away, I’d find someone new who mirrored the same story right back to me.
So What Changed? Me.
Fast forward — I’ve now been with my husband for 22 years, married for 19. Before him, my relationships rarely lasted more than eight years. I used to joke that my longest relationships were with my dogs.
Back then, I lived in a constant state of hurt, judgment, and avoidance. All relationships start with promise (otherwise, why start them at all?). But once the “honeymoon” fades, those little comments, gestures, and annoyances start to sting. And since most of us were never taught how to actually talk about our hurts, we bury them.
And you know what buried hurts become? Mountains. Because molehills don’t stay small forever. Once we start judging or labeling our partner, it’s not long before we start wondering why we’re even in the relationship at all — forgetting that this is the same person we were once crazy about.
How I Finally Broke the Cycle
So how did I move from abusive, toxic relationships to a marriage built on love, respect, and mutual cherishing?
First, I had to find myself.
No one on this planet — soulmate or otherwise — can complete you. You have to complete yourself. You have to love yourself so fully that anyone who comes into your life is simply the icing on your cake.
If you expect someone to fill your empty spaces, you’re setting yourself (and them) up for disappointment. No one can live up to unspoken expectations — especially the ones we don’t even realize we have.
Once you’ve found yourself and meet someone who sparks your interest, be honest. Be open. Be vulnerable. It’s not easy, but when you show up authentically from the start, there are no surprises later. And if your truth scares someone away, they weren’t your person.
Don’t shrink yourself to fit into a relationship. You’ll only resent it later — and trust me, if you get married, divorce isn’t cheap (financially or emotionally).
And maybe most importantly: don’t project your emotions onto your partner — or anyone else. Learn to pause and ask yourself, What’s really going on here? Then do the inner work to move through it. Because when you do, you’ll find yourself living from a place of peace, love, and authentic connection — a true reflection of the Divine within you.
And for those of you who’ve already figured this out — thank you for lighting the way. I’m beyond grateful to finally be living what I used to only hope for: a relationship built on love, honesty, and laughter.
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