In her book, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone, Brene Brown writes, “When we are in pain and fear, anger and hate are our go‑to emotions…it’s easier to be pissed‑off than it is to be hurt or scared. Anger is a catalyst. Holding on to it will make us exhausted and sick… Or sometimes anger can mask a far more difficult emotion like grief, regret, or shame, and we need to use it to dig into what we’re really feeling… Courage is forged in pain, but not in all pain. Pain that is denied or ignored becomes fear or hate. Anger that is never transformed becomes resentment and bitterness.”

What if anger is an Inner Alarm System? When we stuff our anger or pretend that nothing is wrong, we are doing a spiritual bypass. I’m not saying you need to yell and scream at people when you’re angry. I am saying, if we start acting like anger is our soul’s alarm bell, then maybe we start digging into the why behind the trigger. The Truth is no one can make you angry. You respond with anger because someone has done something that causes you pain or makes you afraid. And this is where our spiritual growth happens: can you acknowledge your anger, feel your anger and spend time healing the pain or being curious about the fear without involving the person that found the trigger and pressed it?

I wish I could say I was an expert at containing my anger, that I always used all the tools I’ve learned, and that’s just not true. Many times, when I get angry, I still either push it down or explode. One is a festering that eventually will find its outlet and the other is just embarrassing because now I have given my power to the person that pressed the trigger…intentionally, or not.

The tools are available to all of us. I’ll admit they sometimes don’t seem easy to access, especially when the person pushing the trigger is a partner or a member of our family. It is not always easy to remember the person standing before you is a reflection of you. Like you, they have their triggers. Like you they have been hurt and wounded. And maybe, just maybe unlike you they don’t know about the tools.

The hardest thing to do when you’re angry is to take a breath, realize you are at a choice point and maybe respond with grace instead of anger. Instead of making it about you, defuse the situation by being curious – try to find out why this person is saying the things they are saying. If you can’t be curious, don’t respond. Take a moment, look them straight in the eye and tell them you’ll have to get back to them and walk away. Their anger, their hurt, their fear stays with them. Your spiritual practice is to do the work to find out why you were triggered and what needs to be healed within you, so you are less likely to “go off like a firecracker.”

I’m still working on my trigger when I am driving a car. Trust me, I am 80 percent better than I used to be, and I still let other drivers tick me off. The thing is, especially now in my life, they don’t even know I am on the road. They’re in their own bubble, driving too fast or too slow, not using their turn signals, whatever! I’m still working on “why does it make me angry”, “why do I feel my blood pressure rise”. Do I have all the answers? Absolutely not — I said 80 percent not 100 percent. I am a work in progress and that is really important for us all to remember.

If you get angry and blow up, you can’t change the response. You can make amends for “your” behavior and remind yourself this is just a page in a chapter in the book of your life and promise yourself you’ll do better.

Blessings on your journey,
Rev. Gayle