In Marianne Williamson’s book, The Law of Divine Compensation, she says, “We forgive, then, out of self-interest. I forgive you because I want out of my pain. I forgive you so that I can be free of what you did. I see beyond your mistake to the love in you so that I can see beyond the mistake to the love in me - because only then can I have a miracle.”

I remember the first time my mentor and friend, Rev. Suzi Schadle, asked me how long I was going to stay attached to my ex-husband. I was stunned by the question. Truth was that I hadn’t forgiven him at the time. I hung on to my hurt, my pain, my anger like it was a badge of honor. What I came to realize was that the only person suffering was me. It’s not easy releasing anger or to stop feeling guilty about what part you played in a relationship and yet there is no freedom in building a home around those two emotions. There I stood behind the door to freedom pulling it closed with all my might instead of releasing him and me through forgiveness and walking through the door knowing my life was ready to change.

I’m not suggesting we skip feeling our emotions, and I agree with Marianne about not getting stuck in the quagmire of resentment. Ernest Holmes says forgiveness is not about the other person. It is about releasing them so we can be free. I remember someone saying staying stuck in resentment, anger, or guilt is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. They may be stuck too or maybe – GOD FORBID – they’ve moved on. Either way your consciousness is your responsibility and yours alone.

Forgiveness is a process — it doesn’t happen overnight. I remember laughing out loud when Edwene Gaines said she had to start where she was in forgiving her husband which was repeating: “I forgive you, you son of a bitch”. The point is to release anger and guilt we have to start where we are. For me, I used a practice rooted in ancient Hawaiian tradition, Ho’oponopono. The word ho’oponopono means “to make right” or “to correct.” I would imagine my ex-husband standing before me and I would say (sometimes even out loud):

Trust me when I started, I’m sure there was venom coming out along with the words. Eventually, I realized love is the key that unlocks the door. Love is what allows the universe to restore what has been lost. I also was able to release him, so his dirty little feet no longer walked across my mind. Today, if I think of him, it’s out of curiosity about who he has become.

Usually when we feel anger towards ourselves it is out of a sense of guilt. It is as important to forgive ourselves as it is to forgive another — yet in my experience and belief, we hang onto guilt longer because we don’t believe we deserve to be forgiven.

I carried a lot of guilt. The guilt doesn’t feel like a badge of honor. The guilt feels mortifying. What if people knew? I used to wake up in the middle of the night with some horrific memory; lying there wondering who was that person? And there is freedom in forgiving yourself. You are not that person anymore. When a memory pops up, even today, I have two practices I use. I look at it instead of trying to act like it didn’t happen. I acknowledge its truth and then I ask myself: are you this person now? I take time to honor how far I have come and how much I have accomplished. Then the second practice is I wrap the experience in white light holding it in my hands. I thank the Divine for reminding me how much I have changed. Then I take a deep breath and blow the experience out into the Universe reminding God that unless there is a reason I need to look at the memory again, I am complete.

So, the question becomes Who are you still angry with? What are you still punishing yourself for?

Forgive them. Forgive yourself. Then stop holding the door closed — and walk through.

Life is too short to stay stuck in emotions that no longer serve you. Do the work, you’re worth it.

Blessings on your journey,
Rev. Gayle